For years my son picked up his grandmother Shirley from her senior apartment and brought her to church. Now Nathaniel is one of those strong, silent types and typically not too talkative before noon. One Sunday morning Shirley entered the church vestibule complaining that Nathaniel had not let her get a word in edgewise during her ride to church. We didn’t believe her for a minute.

We all love Shirley for many reasons. I especially love her for the fact that when I’m with her I never have to think of something to say. There are never any awkward silences because my mother-in-law fills them all!

Shirley is not the only woman known for her loquacious tongue. Recent research estimates that women speak approximately 9000 words per day. (compared to 6000 words per day for men). Women gather in coffee shops to chat, get together in book clubs to share thoughts, and join Bible studies to speak about faith. Women love words.

The trouble with so many words is that sometimes they get in the way of real interaction and relationship.

Proverbs 18:13 tells us,

“He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”

Genuine communication involves not only sharing my thoughts but listening to the ideas of others. One of the best ways to use my 9000 words per day is get others talking.

I want to give the gift of purposeful attention to the people in my life so I’m trying to learn to be a good listener.

Experts tell us to ask an open-ended question to get people talking. Focus on the answer and use what you have learned about the person to ask a follow-up question. Try to find a common interest between you and your conversation partner.

In case you need a little help coming up with questions, here are a few that can get people talking:

• If you could replay any moment in your life, what would it be?
• What is your favorite holiday (or season)? Why?
• What’s the best surprise you’ve ever received?
• What word would you say describes you best? Why?
• If you could meet any one person, whom would you choose?

The more I practice the art of listening, the more enjoyable conversation becomes. When I’m intent on what the other person has to say, I don’t worry about coming up with something impressive or witty to add to the dialogue. If I’m not planning my next comment while the other person is talking, I’m much more likely to learn something interesting.

Practice the art of listening.

Next step: Start with my list of questions and add a few of your own. Make a point of asking some of these questions today!

This article was adapted from my book, Bless These Lips which helps women use their words to build up the people in their lives. Check it out here and here.