My ears burned. My heart hurt.

I had just received a thirty-minute toungue-lashing over the phone. I wanted to ignore the person on the other end. I wanted to hang up. But deep inside I felt God wanted me to not turn away. He didn’t want me to sever the relationship. So I stayed on the line.

We all deal with criticism. Sometimes “suggestions for improvement” are given gently or lovingly. But often a conversation can leave us reeling from the verbal blows.

How can we deal with hurtful words?

Proverbs 12:15-16 has some principles on dealing with hurtful words:

From these verses I can see three steps to take when someone punches out our soul with their words.

1. Hear. First we need to hear. Don’t immediately shut the person out. Proverbs tells us that fools always think their way is right, but the wise listen. The wise keep emotions in check even when they are insulted. When I heard the screaming voice on the other end of the phone, I wanted to hang up right away, but I listened.
2. Ask. After we have heard the other person’s words, we need to ask God what to do with them. Is there some truth in the criticism? Even though the words could have been delivered in a kinder way, perhaps they contain a bit of truth you need to hear. Proverbs tells us, “The wise listen to others.” Although I certainly didn’t want to admit it, my critic did have a point. I had made a mistake.
3. Discern. Finally discern what to do with the hurtful words. If there is some truth to the message do what needs to be done. Admit your faults. Apologize. Make amends. But if the criticism doesn’t apply to you throw it out. If the words are simply untrue, mean-spirited, and hypercritical toss them in the trash. Perhaps this time you simply need to  “overlook the insult” (Proverbs 12:16 NIV). After I understood the angry caller’s point, I admitted my mistake and apologized. But a lot of the other things she said were simply wrong perceptions of my actions. I let them go.

At times the words we hear feel like a stab to the heart. But we need to remember that God can work out everything for good for those who love Him. So listen to the words, ask God what to do with them, and discern whether they are truth or simply trash.

Next step: Look at the three steps outlined by Proverbs 12: 15-16. Ask God how to handle the hurtful words you receive.

Words matter. They can hurt or they can heal. If you want to learn more about using your words to build up the people in your lives, check out my book Bless These Lips–a 40-day guide to learning how to use your mouth to bless those around you. It’s available here and here.