When we feel tired and discouraged we all need someone to come alongside and encourage us.

Back when my kids were young and parenting was a full-time job, when work was not finished when we arrived home from the office, and a full night’s sleep was an elusive dream, I noticed that my husband was looking a little fatigued. A bit weary. A tad defeated.

So I said to my children, “Let’s do something special for Daddy. Let’s give him a party!” They were at the age where they got excited about any kind of party, even a play tea party with the teddy bears, so they quickly got on board. Even though it wasn’t anywhere near my husband’s birthday or Father’s day, we made him his favorite meal, set the table in the dining room, and made some big banners that said, “We love you Daddy!”

The look on John’s face when he came home that night was worth all of our extra effort. His sagging shoulders lifted just a bit and the tiredness in his face dissolved into a smile. The surprise of a dinner in his honor on an ordinary Friday helped to encourage him and let him know we appreciated all of his efforts to support the family.

I was reminded of this little party when I recently read Hebrews 10:24 in The Message:

Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out.

I have read this verse in other translations like the English Standard Version:

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.

But I liked the idea of being inventive when we are encouraging others.

Mind you, I’m not all that creative when it comes to encouragement. Sadly, the surprise party of my husband was the only example I could come up with for my own inventive efforts. So I did a little research to come up with a few more ideas besides my own.

1. Give someone a party for no reason in particular. Like the celebration of Dad that my children helped me to pull off, doing something special for someone when it isn’t expected is especially meaningful.
2. Give an anonymous gift. Secretly sending a card or gift to someone you know could use a lift can make a huge difference in their life.
3. Give a book or CD that has blessed you. Obviously, don’t give a diet book or financial self-help book, but one that offers hope on every page. My friend, Linda, gave me the book Jesus Calling last year and in this way has been encouraging me every day.
4. Run an errand for them. Before my husband heads out to the hardware store or Walmart, he always asks if I need anything. It’s a simple idea that could be expanded to the new mom down the block, the senior citizen you know from church, the friend who is struggling with the blues. Taking a couple of extra minutes to drop off a needed item for someone else could be a simple way to show support.
5. Find out the other person’s love language. Make your creativity really pay off by matching it with what makes the other person feel special. Does he like gifts? Find something related to his hobby. Quality time? Take her out to lunch. Physical touch? Give a back rub or send a gift card for a massage. Do a little investigating and your encouragement will hit the mark.

Encouragement is fuel for our souls.

It’s what we all need to continue to fulfill our responsibilities and chase our dreams.

Frankly, some days it’s what we need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging each other.

To learn more about encouraging others, check out my book, Bless These Lips!

An actual leaky roof gave a vivid picture of my nagging mouth.

Rain battered the windows of my family room. I was sitting in my usual spot on the sofa, trying to watch a favorite show, but I wondered, “Will it happen again?”

It did.

A drop of water fell from the ceiling and landed in my lap. Another drop and another followed. I got up, walked over to the windows and rolled up the shade. Water was also dripping from the windows inside the house.

We were having trouble with the roof above our family room. It was getting annoying. Every time we had a downpour we had to put towels in the windows and a bucket on the couch where I usually sat.

From the outside of the house you couldn’t see any problem with the roof. But whenever it rained, it was obvious from the inside that there was a problem.

This can also be true with my mouth. If you met me at a coffee shop and we chatted for awhile, you might never suspect I had an unruly mouth. But if you put a hidden camera in my house, it probably wouldn’t take too long before you heard the drip, drip of a woman with a mouth problem.

From the outside, no one might suspect a speech problem. But inside there might be signs of what the book of Proverbs calls “a quarrelsome wife.”

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;
to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.

Proverbs 27:15-16

Why does my speech sometimes degenerate to this point? Why does my mouth seem to automatically spew out orders or churn out nagging statements when I really want my home to be a haven?

One motive for nagging may be concern for the people in our lives. We want them to be healthy so we say, “Eat your broccoli.” We want them to be successful so we prod, “Finish your homework.”

But there may be another explanation for our use of nagging words: We want to be in control. Because we want the house to look a particular way, we are apt to say things like: “Pick up your socks already!” We say that we love the people in our lives, yet we want to fix what’s wrong with them so we spout: “Speak up for yourself at work!”

When you find yourself nagging, ask yourself why. Be honest. Are you simply trying to offer advice out of concern? Or are your words based in control issues?

When I am faced with my tendency to control, I ask God to change me. He knows what the other person needs more than I do. Sometimes it is my place to help another person to change, but often my role is simply to pray for God’s will in their lives.

And if constant reminders tumble out of my mouth out of love for my family members or friends, I need to remember that it doesn’t feel like love to them. A steady stream of instruction and advice can give the impression that my affection has to be earned by jumping through specific hoops.

So when we feel like nagging, let’s ask God to work the change in the other person and in our attitudes.

Instead of the drip, drip, drip of nagging and contention, let’s fill our homes and workplaces with a flood of grace.

This article is adapted from my book, Bless These Lips. Check it out here.

Encouragement is defined as “to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope.”
The prefix en means “to put into” and courage is defined as “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.” Encouraging words put strength into another person’s spirit—strength to keep trying or to face their fears.

God knows our need for consolation, for inspiration. He knows the human need for someone to cheer us on when the going gets tough. So He tells us:

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I think we all want to become people known for their uplifting words. But we might struggle to actually find those words.

When I’m at a loss for words, I have a few go-to words. If you need a little help finding inspiring words, here are my top five encouragement phrases:

1. “I love the way you…” Compliment your child, spouse, or friend on a particular aspect of their work. Saying, “I love the way you used bright yellow in the picture you drew,” rather than, “I like your picture,” shows you are really paying attention to them. Telling your co-worker, “I love the way you organized the files” helps them feel appreciated. Letting your friend know, “I love the way you speak kindly to every server,” helps her see the effect of her efforts.
2. “I believe in you.” Tell the people in your life that you are sure they can accomplish their task. Express your belief in them. Tell them, “You can do it!” Nothing chases doubt away faster than a vote of confidence from someone who knows you!
3. “Thanks for your help.” Let someone know you appreciate what they have done for you. Tell the store clerk how helpful she was in finding just what you wanted. Thank your husband for tackling those weekend chores. Talk specifically about how each person’s work improved your day (or life!).
4. “I love your …” Make someone smile. Compliment their hair, jewelry, clothing, nails …” It usually brings a grin to anyone’s face. Why do we neglect this opportunity to build someone up when it is such an easy thing to do?
5. “You are…” Do you admire your friend’s generosity? Your child’s creativity? Your husband’s faithfulness? Have you told them? Let someone know the characteristics of their personality that you value. This phrase takes encouragement a bit deeper as we let others know that we notice more than their actions or outward appearance. We appreciate their character.

Next step: Try one of these encouragement phrases today. Pick one and aim to use it three times. Watch smiles happen! For more ideas on encouragement, check out 5 Creative Ways to Encourage Someone.

I’ve been complaining lately. The world seems to be falling apart. I feel helpless. So I gripe and grumble.

But I know the Bible discourages such behavior. Philippians 2:14 says:

“Do everything without complaining or arguing.”

While I want to obey God’s Word, I also wonder: What–exactly–constitutes complaining? What kind of grumbling can I get away with?”

Defining Complaining

Dictionary.com defines complain as:

to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief; find fault

According to this definition there is very little I can get away with! Whining about my aches and pains is out. Making a fuss over being mistreated is out. Grumbling about my grief is out.

However, I think there are certain times and places that are appropriate for talking about our pain, mistreatment, or grief. Doctors and counselors need to understand our pain or grief so they will know how to help us. Businesses may need to know a complaint so that contracts are fulfilled.

A Biblical Definition of Complain

So what exactly does Paul mean in Philippians when he says, “Do everything without complaining”? Let’s look at the Greek word for complain. It is goggysmos which is an onomatopoeic word derived from the sound made when murmuring with the idea of complaint.

The online Bible, Blue Letter Bible, has an interesting definition of goggysmos:

a murmur, murmuring, muttering, a secret debate, a secret displeasure not openly avowed

When I read this, a little light bulb went off in my head. Often when we are grumbling about something we don’t do it openly to the person we are grumbling about. Murmuring, complaining, and griping are not usually directed toward the person or persons with whom we have the problem. We complain about our husbands to our friends, we gripe about our friends to our husbands. We murmur against our boss to our co-workers, we whine about our co-workers to our boss.

I think one key to eliminating complaining from your conversations is to talk to the right people. If you have a problem in a relationship don’t complain about it to all your friends. Instead, go to the person directly and work things out in a loving way. If you have pain, don’t talk endlessly about it, but tell those who need to know and can help you (doctors, therapists, family members). If you have grief, don’t dwell on it constantly, but take the time to talk to counselors or friends who are able to help you bear the burden. 

Maybe the kind of complaining that Paul talks about can be defined like this:

to often express dissatisfaction, pain resentment, or grief to those who are not directly involved and are unable to help or change the situation.

Biblical Complainers

The Bible is full of complainers and grumblers:

“The Israelites complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord” (Numbers 11:1). The Israelites whined to each other but did not pray to God.

“Miriam and Aaron began to talk against Moses because of his Cushite wife” (Numbers 12:1). The siblings griped to each other about Moses but didn’t talk to him directly.

“Among the crowds there was widespread whispering about him. Some said, ‘He is a good man.’ Others replied, ‘No, he deceives the people’” (John 7:12). The people made a fuss about Jesus privately but didn’t talk to their Savior in person.

Instead of complaining, these people could have done something about their problems.

The Number One Thing to Do Instead of Complain

So what can we do instead of complain? Go to the Lord with our complaints.

God knows our hearts anyway; He knows when our hearts are anxious, heavy, or frustrated. But an amazing thing happens when we voice our concerns to Him. He reassures us that He will work things out. He calms our anxious souls.

In Psalm 142 King David models what this looks like. He said,

“I cry aloud to the LORD;
   I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
 I pour out my complaint before him;
   before him I tell my trouble.”Psalm 142:1-2

David went to the Lord because he knew God had the answers he needed. He realized the Lord could rescue him. David also understood the end result of taking his concerns to the almighty God. He knew that God could set him free from his problems:

“Set me free from my prison,
   that I may praise your name.”Psalm 142:7a

And in the end, God would make everyone notice the Lord’s goodness in his life:

“the righteous will gather about me
   because of your goodness to me.”Psalm 142:7b

I don’t think that God wants to hear only complaints. But when we take our problems to the One who can free us from our prisons of pain and help us in our troubles, others will see God’s goodness and we can praise His name.

Author Anthony J. D’Angelo writes,

“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.”

But I say,

If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to pray about it. 

Next step: Today, when you catch yourself complaining–instead pray! God to the Lord with your complaints!

Years ago, I notice a need for taming my tongue. Even though I never intended to hurt anyone, it seemed my words continually did just that. I decided I needed a mouth makeover.

When I began my mouth makeover, my major motivation was to stop looking foolish with my foot stuck in my mouth. As I studied the subject more, another motivation became to touch the lives of people I care about–to inspire and encourage them. But I also discovered that a more important purpose of my mouth is to please the Lord and bring a smile to the One who gave His life to save mine!

Psalm 19:14

Psalm 19:14 was the first Scripture I used in my effort to tame my tongue. Each day I prayed David’s prayer and made it my own.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
    be pleasing in your sight,
    Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

I researched some of the original Hebrew meanings of the words in Psalm 19:14 and came up with and expanded version of the prayer. Here is Sharla’s amplified version.

May every utterance and every word that comes out of my mouth and every musing and thought of my heart bring You pleasure and delight, O LORD. Let me always speak as if I were in Your presence for truly You are always with me. Help me to remember You are my Redeemer–the One who saved me and who will continue to forgive me when I fail–and You are my Rock–the source of my strength.

Praying this prayer every day helped me become more aware of my words. Praying these words gave me the reassurance of forgiveness when I messed up once again. This prayer helped me focus on pleasing God with what came out of my mouth.

Matthew 12:34

The Bible contains many verses about our words. It seems taming your tongue is a God-given priority. In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus said this:

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34b NIV

Jesus tells us that the mouth speaks out of the overflow of the heart. Picture an overflowing cup. What is running out of the cup? Whatever is being poured into it. 

And what I am pouring into my heart will eventually come out. The Greek word translated as overflow means abundance, what one delights in and what fills the heart. What I delight in and what I am interested in will naturally be what I talk about. (Just ask all my friends who have patiently looked at dozens of pictures of my grandsons!) 

In order to improve my speech, I need to examine my interests because they will direct what I put in my heart. And what I pour in my heart will eventually flow out.

So I ask myself:

Am I pouring good things into my heart so that what overflows will be positive, noble, holy, and God-pleasing?

Are the things I delight in the things God wants to fill my heart?

We all need to pay attention to what comes out of our mouths and determine the source of our words.

• Are angry words coming out because of what is going on in your heart? Do you need to speak to a counselor or sit down with a friend and work things out?
• Are you cutting others down because you don’t feel valuable? Read God’s Word (especially Song of Songs 4:7; Isaiah 43:4, 62:5; Zephaniah 3:17) to discover how precious you are to Him.
• Are complaining words escaping your lips? Maybe TV commercials and ladies’ magazines are breeding discontentment in your heart. It might be time to change what you watch or read.

When we want to change what comes out of our mouths, we need to change what goes into our hearts.

Proverbs 25:11

Another key to taming the tongue is realizing just how valuable our words are. Proverbs 25:11 says:

The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver.
Proverbs 25:11

We’ve all experienced this. When the house looked like the aftermath of a tornado, you couldn’t calm the screaming baby, and your hair hadn’t been combed all day you wondered if your life made any difference. Then your three-year-old walked up to you, hugged your leg, and said, “I wuv you, Mom” and you no longer had any doubts. Or when you received a card from a long-lost friend who remembered the time you stayed up with her all night after her boyfriend dumped her. Or when a customer or client at your work sincerely thanked you for your kindness.

The right words are more precious than diamond pendants and Rolex watches.

When we remember this, we can look for opportunities to share the wealth with others around us. Does that store clerk look likes she’s having a bad day? Compliment her on her hairstyle. Does your husband look especially tired? Remind him of how much you appreciate how he helps to support the family. Has your friend’s smile disappeared? Tell her how much you appreciate her friendship.

Ways to Use These Scriptures

Here are a few ways to use these Scriptures every day.

1. Write scriptures about your words or the mouth on sticky notes. Put them in conspicuous places where you will see them often during the day. Try your bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink or on your car dashboard.
2. Set an alarm for three times during the day to remind you to say a specific scripture about the mouth out loud (Psalm 19:14 anyone?). Perhaps pick times you know are difficult for you to keep a civil tongue, e.g. morning (drive to work), afternoon (most difficult time of the work day), and evening (the drive home)
3. Turn these Scriptures into a prayer! The combination of scripture and prayer is sure to give us improved control over our lips.

These simple suggestions will not only help you in your efforts in taming your tongue–putting them into practice will transform the lives of the people you speak to.

Next step: Pray this prayer: Father in heaven, give me lips that speak knowledge. Help me to listen to You before I speak. Help me to remember that it is better to wait to speak if I don’t have any useful words to give.
Find your own verses! Use your concordance or do a search at BibleGateway.com, mouth or lips.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all endured a conversation with someone who only wants to boast.

Her conversation centers on the topic of herself.

She drops names to try to impress.

When you attempt to tell something about yourself, she counters with something better about her life.

She doesn’t bother asking you questions about your family or job.

Even when your eyes glaze over, she doesn’t seem to notice and keeps on talking.

We don’t want to be that person, so is there a proper way to boast? A way to talk about yourself without looking like a braggart? A way to acknowledge compliments without seeming stuck on yourself?

A Checklist

To avoid coming off as a braggart, examine your conversations. Do they sometimes have elements of the discussions you hate? Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I genuinely care about what the other person has to say?
• Do I celebrate the other person’s achievements?
• Do I ask the other person to tell me about herself?
• Do I avoid practicing one-upmanship? In other words, when someone tells me something about herself, do I avoid immediately sharing an accomplishment that’s slightly better than hers?

Take a genuine interest in other people. Finding out what makes each person unique will not only help you avoid looking like a braggart but will help you form new friendships with intriguing people.

Accepting Compliments

But what do you do when someone gives you a compliment? How can you accept the positive affirmation without seeming stuck on yourself?

In order to not appear to be boasting, I may put myself down when someone praises me. However, if I respond to a compliment by saying something like, “Aw, it was nothing.” or Well, I actually made a lot of mistakes.”? the usual response is something like, “No really–you did a great job.” And the other person may wonder if I put myself down just to get another word of praise. This tactic can make me look like I’m fishing for accolades.

Also, a compliment is a gift, and contradicting the comment of approval is a rejection of that gift and an insult to the person offering it.

So how can you graciously accept praise without boasting? Try these tips:

• Look the person in the eye and say a simple, “Thank you,” with a smile.
• Respond by telling the person how the compliment made you feel like, “Wow, your words really made my day.”
• If appropriate, respond by complimenting the other person. For instance, if a co-worker compliments your work on a joint project, you could also praise that person’s efforts.

Accept each word of praise humbly without making a big deal about it.

The Proper Way to Brag

We know we’re not supposed to toot our own horns. But sometimes we do need to tell others about ourselves to promote our business or to get a job. How can we promote ourselves without obnoxious bragging?

Here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t give a laundry list of accomplishments.
• Don’t compare yourself to others when you are telling about yourself. (For more information see this article about non-comparative boasting)
• State the facts succinctly.
• Talk about your accomplishments in a conversational manner. Don’t be overbearing.
• Don’t exaggerate.
• Watch your body language. Don’t look stern or aloof–instead, look positive and enthusiastic. (For more information see this article about talking about your accomplishments without bragging.

We can learn how to promote ourselves and our businesses when necessary without becoming braggarts.

The Best Way to Boast

We’ve learned how to avoid bragging and how to talk about your accomplishments in a positive way when appropriate. But Scripture talks about the best way to boast.

The apostle Paul wrote:

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

After reading this you might think: Paul, this is boasting? Talking about your weakness? Sharing about your faults? Bragging about your frailty?Paul could have bragged about his travels, boasted about the great crowds he spoke to, and impressed everyone with the number of converts he led to the Lord. But he decided instead to talk about his weaknesses. His reasoning? “That the power of Christ may rest on me.”

Paul had plenty of things to brag about, but instead he flaunted his weaknesses so that Christ could get the glory. He talked about what Jesus did instead of what he did so that others would applaud God instead of Paul.

King David had similar words:

I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together! Psalm 34:1-3

David goes on to describe how he boasted in the Lord. He told others of how God answered his prayers. David described how God helped him conquer all his fears. He recited instances of God aiding the poor and saving those in danger. He talked about how God hears our prayers and stays close to the brokenhearted.

This is the best way to boast. Brag about what God has done for you. Think back to the times when He has answered your prayers, conquered your fears, helped you in tough financial times, and got you out of dangerous situations.

When we brag on God, we take the attention off ourselves and put it on the One who deserves it most.

Next step: Make a list of what God has done for you. When you’re tempted to boast about yourself, brag about God instead!